When we were young

Hard

Yesterday was as decent as any bird in flight could ask for. It wasn't cold (for a bird). The sun took a break from grieving behind the hues of the misty sky. However, Winter was still blowing through my small city. The first day of December became darker much too soon for anyone's liking and I must seem depressed the way I stay indoors. The truth is, life is hard as a female. I'm still alive but how do I seem otherwise?

At my job I had to fight for a little respect but I feel as if I lost. Do I have to gaze into the mouth of the beast because I wasn't born with a suite of armor?  I wasn't trained in verbal combat! I was trained to say 'I'm sorry', but what if I'm not sorry anymore? What if rather than apologize for your bullying, I apologize for my reaction.

I wasn't equiped for this level of combat for the wild. As an animal we eat or we get eaten but we don't torture our prey like humans. If I can't seem to drag my lifeless limbs out of bed maybe I'm depressed but maybe I'm also smart and know that I'm alone. And it's hard but it's life.

Little creatures

Not much progress today. I'm sitting down to write my resumes and applications for prospective jobs. But when I get started, after two minutes in I begin thinking to myself, "This isn't good enough. I'm not good enough."

My love was running late this morning, leaving for a 15-hour work day without saying good-bye. I stared at the door for a few minutes, like a pathetic dog. Is that what I've become?

Because I'd rather be a miniature pony. Who doesn't love ponies?

I try to find my actual me. I check the kitchen, I check the bedroom, I look down in the moldy basement, I even check outside on the porch. No sign of me. I try the mail box. Still no correspondence from myself.

Where did I go this time?

This year I'm ugly, and he's beautiful forever

I woke up talking to my lover about dreams. The slither of his sleepy eyelids reminded me of the glimpses I see of his soul when I search in the oceanic blue of his eyes. He fell back into his suppressed consciousness, leaving me wondering if he'd remember looking at me. I whispered into his ear, "Dream of me, dream of me." But then I laid back and sighed deep into the onyx of my pillow. Is loving me a nightmare?

I wanted to be number one; the center of someone's universe. Instead, I've written out another eulogy for a happy day, as if dawn never needs to rest. How much longer will I cry wolf without realizing that one day the only wolf howling to the moon will be me? In the end I just wanted to be the only hungry woman for him, but who wants to feed a beast?

Devouring almost everything trying to figure out what's right, I've acted like my appetite becomes satiated. But it seldom does. I'm not eating to feel full and he doesn't trust that I won't bite. If I rolled over and said "I never meant to hurt you" would he wake up at the sound of my voice and believe me? Would he recognize the hound he once knew?

Today he woke up sad. Knowing this the blood left my limbs and ran to my head, and my temples swelled up with agony. A jealous friend wanted to know nothing about me and I made him push her away. Why because she reminded me of my ex's mother who possessed a complex? How often does my partner suffer in silence? I'm seeing now that part of living is sometimes suffering quietly and he does it so well, unlike me who requires a parade of criers every time someone shits the bed.

My lamb is struggling inside and it's mostly my fault and it kills me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxz1Us52JTE

Nina and I (she's a sheep puppy and I'm holding her like a sheep...hehe)

Me and the Mamacita!